Today I wanted to chat about someone, who, although they aren’t around any more, still have a huge influence on my life.
(This post was written a few weeks ago and has been edited so many times, I’ve had a lot of things going on at the moment which is why I haven’t been blogging. I’ve decided to share it with you anyway, even though its a few weeks late and today is meant to be a book review Sunday, back to normal next week 🙂 )
My Nana Tina passed away 10 years ago, on the 10th of May, which is obviously the reason behind this post. 10 years is a long time to be without somebody who meant the absolute world to you. I think of her everyday, and still miss her terribly, and I realise I’ve only mentioned her briefly on my blog, but she was such a wonderful person I wanted to share her with you. My Nana was diagnosed with bowel cancer at 60 years old, and was told there was nothing the doctors could do for her. The day she passed away was one of the worst days of my life. This letter is all the things I’d tell her now if I could, and I hope it gives you a sense of the incredibly special person she was.
First of all, I’ve missed you everyday for the past 10 years. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of you. I still speak to you sometimes, and when something happens, good or bad, you’re the first person I want to tell. I missed telling you when I got my exam results, I missed you when I got into university, when I passed my driving test, when I was stuck in London and I missed home, when I was going through a rough patch in my life and all I wanted was a hug and to speak to you.
I wish I could tell you the small things too. The funny things the kids at work have done or said to me, moan about the annoying things Dan does sometimes (sorry Dan!). I’d love to come to your house and put the kettle on, or go out for food, or even just put the kettle on and gossip over a cup of tea.
Whenever I think of my childhood I think of you, you meant the whole world to me. I loved those Sunday dinners at your house pretty much every weekend without fail (with the best Yorkshire pudding in the world and the beef that was always a bit too tough) . We’d turn your house upside down making dens, or getting all of the toys, books and colouring stuff out. But you never once complained, you just got your clothes horse and sheets out and helped us make them. When I was a kid, the thing that made me the most excited was being told you’re staying at your Nana’s house this weekend, or that you were picking me up from school. The trips to Woolworths after school, where you’d end up buying me pick and mix and toys I didn’t need. Coming over for tea on a weeknight and it being either salad and homemade chips (your chips were the best by the way), spag bol or a cooked dinner. Those little packed lunches you made for Grandad and I when we went off fishing together. I have far too many happy memories to list here. It makes me really sad to think Evie and Emmy won’t ever get to have these with you.
Watching you deteriorate was the most heart breaking thing, but you always stayed positive. You helped me study for exams even when you were tired and not feeling well. You were there to encourage me, and listen to me stress about all my GCSE’s and always had a hug ready for when I was having crap days at school. No matter how ill you were you always wanted to look after everybody else, and even before you got ill. I remember I always used to see you in Thorne, on your little green bike on your way to take care of my great nana, every single day even though she lived at the other side of the village.
There’s so much I want to thank you for and I never had the chance. Thank you for inspiring me and giving me that extra push when I needed you. Thank you for teaching me to be kind, to think about other people more and to believe in myself. Thank you for making my childhood so happy. Thank you for being the glue that held us all together. Thank you for being the best role model I could possibly have.
I’m lucky I got to spend 16 years of my life with you, and I’ll cherish those memories forever. You may not be here physically, but I feel like your still there sometimes and its the biggest comfort I could ever have.
I love you. x
I hope this wasn’t too depressing for you guys, but its something I felt I really needed to say. My Nana’s been on my mind a lot lately, and even after ten years I still miss her. Grief never really goes away, it just changes.